Bernd und das Rätsel um Unteralterbach Walkthrough

This is a 100 % complete English "Unteralterbach" walkthrough.

\Achv: Departure\ - gained at the beginning of the game.
Ohoho, no way. Bernd-style is my style. :-DDD
{Save 1}
... you can kiss my hairy ass. (Bad End: Prison)
{Load Save 1}
... please excuse me. I didn't sleep well last night.
... I can be even more fit for you. *wink*
I'm great! You ride cock like a young filly.
{Save 2}
Shut your face, gaylord! (Bad End: Hunger)
{Load Save 2}
I beg a thousand pardons!
I'm selling these fine leather jackets... Gangsta-style.
I am Allah, your god!
{Save 3}
Nutrition is overrated! (Bad End: Forest Floor)
{Load Save 3}
'Course! They've probably got some good stuff. \Achv: Nutrition expert\
... they showed me a picture of you.
Say no more, Frau Queen!
I'll spare you this torture, dear lady. Please relax.
Because of the risk of masturbation. Of course.
{Save 4}
... I'll turn her down. CiD sounds like a cult to me.
I'm not feeling well. I have to go. (Bad End: Sexual Harassment)
{Load Save 4}
... it will make her happy if I join their organization. \Achv: Granny Lover\
{Save 5}
All right. (Bad End: Lobotomy) \Achv: Moralizer\
{Load Save 5}
Wait a second...
{Save 6}
I climb the ladder and go barbecuing. (Bad End: Barbecue)
{Load Save 6}
I creep into the backyard to have a look.
Commissioner Lauert must follow them immediately!
The right smells unambiguously of Lidl.
{Save 7}
Okay, I've heard more than enough of this! (Bad End: Hannibal)
{Load Save 7}
Please calm down, because...
Please take a look at this "candy doll."
With the way you're pestering me, I guess I'll just have to give in.
{Save 8}
... her opinion is just and right. It doesn't matter what she looks like. (End: World Domination)
{Load Save 8}
... she's a demon! My conscience won't let me align with her. (End: The Chosen One) \Achv: Bernd-Style 4 Ever\

{Start from the beginning}
Yes, I'm tired of this idle life of mine.
... please excuse me. I didn't sleep well last night.
... I'm in a considerable hurry, and really have to go.
{Save 9}
Ugh! Shit! My poor head. I've had enough, for good!
... and going back home to my family.
No way! I am, after all, a sick pig who needs to die. (Bad End: Siscon) \Achv: Happy Family\
{Load Save 9}
No problem! It's just porn, after all... \Achv: Thick Skin\
[Press]
That means you've misunderstood the situation.
[Press] 2x
That was quite the leap of logic right there!
[Press]
What misdeed did you see yourself forced to commit?
[Press]
You "defended" yourself by force...
[Press]
... really childish of you both.
[Advance]
[Press]
... you're standing in a glass house. \Achv: Bernd von Karma\
I should go meet the girls immediately.
Forgive my foolishness, good sir. How may I serve you?
The new Samsung Galaxy!
I will attend your lovemaking.
Yes please, I'm sick in the head. \Achv: One Thousand and One Thrusts\
(After being shown twice, these notices won't display anymore before the underage sex scenes. However an option to not show underage scenes will be added to the 'Options' menu)
I'd like to find out more about who's causing problems for her.
'Course! They've probably got some good stuff.
... fuck off at the speed of light?!
... I'll go right, towards this delicious smell of... strawberries.
... take the tighter strawberry path. I prefer it tight.
{Save 10}
[Win against fairies without using 'Cry' command] \Achv: Brat Bashing\
{Load Save 10}
[Win against fairies using 'Cry' twice] \Achv: Bawler\
{Load Save 10}
[Lose to fairies] \Achv: Storyteller\
... they showed me a picture of you.
Uh... How about no?
Out with it! What have your "witch daughters" done wrong, hmm?
Y-you seriously do this?
I should have a look around the castle, to see if I can find her twins.
I creep into the backyard to have a look.
{Save 11}
I look in the bushes.
I scream and SAVE MY BALLS. (Bad End: From Behind)
{Load Save 11}
I'd rather be impotent than caught.
I look under the doormat.
I won't move. Just stay quiet.
I look in the windowsill.
I'll call out for the girls.
I'll call out for the key.
[Forward]
[Forward]
That should provide the vital clue I'm missing.
[Click on the right wall to get directions]
[Forward]
[Right]
[Left]
[Forward]
[Right]
[Right]
[Forward]
[Left]
[Forward]
{Save 12} (You cannot actually save in the dungeon, though)
I block that old fart's attack directly!
I curl into a steel ball!
I beg for mercy like a little girl. (Bad End: Dungeon Mastered)
{Load Save 12}
I jump cowardly to the side.
I duck. Not much else I can do.
I either strike first, or I die.
This would only end in tears! I kick him without warning!
It's now or never! I kick him cowardly in the back. \Achv: Basement Kid\
{Save 13}
I'm completely in their power, whatever it is they're planning! \Achv: Inquisitor\
Okay, but only because it's you. And not forever! \Achv: Forest Witch Loli Time\
(Here the twins tell you about 9 DVDs you have to find in the town)*
Oh well, I guess you'd explode if you didn't have someone to read it to.
Let's just say that you're a young lady.
So they could no longer take being locked up in a dungeon, then.
... had two penises. Only then would they have agreed to move in with me.
You've already squandered your credibility.
I'll have a look around the hallways. \Achv: Better Safe Than Sorry\
{Save 14}
... take a closer look, and show some courage!
Sure, Bernd. You just love hanging out with strangers.
Indirectly support the Ukrainian mafia? Gladly.
{Save 15}
I'll show that fine gentleman!
It's time I introduced you to my fists! (Bad End: Curb Stomp)
{Load Save 15}
Just let him watch then...
{Save 16}
I'd rather not move around. I'll just sit in the couch and take photos of you. \Achv: Helmut Newton\
{Load Save 16}
Your wish is my command. \Achv: Slav-Friend\
Please take a look at this "candy doll."
Did you forget all about the conference, huh?
... some kind of phone.
It's mine. Everyone wants to talk to me!
... this naughty "Kindegarten Manager."
Yes, Columbo here. At your service. \Achv: Telecum\
I'll check it out right away.
Then I'll help you myself. But let's be quick.
{Save 17}
I'll give you a "cream pie" you'll never forget! \Achv: Master Confectioner\

(Starting from this moment you won't be able to save anymore outside your house. You are given free reign to walk through the village.)
Locales:
Northwest: Fuchs' house.
Southwest: Pedros pizzeria
South: Your apartment.
Northeast: Oktoberfest office
Southeast: Büttner bakery
North: Road to convention center.

Remove the demonic howling:
Go to Fuchs' house and talk with the geeky guy.
Go to the convention center.
Try to go through the Passage 4x. \Achv: Source of Friction\
Take the Threaded Rod from under the car on the left.
Use the rod to get a Red Herring from under the car on the right.
Combine Red Herring with Steffi's Song Book to get Rolled Pickled Herring.
Take the now Bloody Rod to the geeky guy and get the Ball of Metatron in exchange.
Return to the convention center and use Rolled Pickled Herring on the Passage.
Dig through the Trashcan and receive a Rubber Chicken.
Combine Rubber Chicken with the Ball of Metatron and get a Slingshot.
Use slingshot on Tentacles. Oops. You broke a car window.
Check the Broken Window and get an iPad.
Use iPad on the Manhole.

{Save 18}
Maja:
[Oktoberfest office > Kitchen > Talk with the twins]
[Town square > Talk with Laura]]
[Pedros Pizzeria > Examine Henrike]
[Convention center parking lot > Left of the convention center > Talk with Maja]
Stay where you are, young lady!
Everyone deserves a bit of relaxation once in a while. This is gonna be great!
Oh well! I'll start my cuddle attack!
I... think I might actually enjoy that, Maja... \Achv: Strawberry Harvest\
... I keep that stuff safe for you?
{Save 19}
Kim:
[Convention center > Go inside > Go right > Pick "Emma" magazine from the floor > Talk with Sascha Trollbo (Kim arrives and intercepts you)]
Sascha, you Vodafone whore!
Just go back to Four Channel, you gaylord!
I hope they'll hang you, you schmuck!
... a fail-expert!
Blood Polka...!
Insert the CD
OK, that's enough.
And then we'll sit down at this laptop, Kim. \Achv: Cybercrime\ \Achv: Slaughterhouse\
{Save 20}
Annemarie:
[Go to Fuchs' house]
[Talk with Jörg Mauss]
(You will have to go back and forth between Mauss and Annemarie here)
... but I'll dare it just the same!
Impressive! I admire your technique.
Although it hurts like the sting of a bee.
... feigning excitement must have left you scarred.
[Go to the road towards convention center]
[Talk with Annemarie]
[Go back and talk with Mauss]
For hot, little girls make you shriek.
'Cause pedo scum's what you were born to be.
You'd much rather fuck kids in your yard.
... those criminals have a lot to answer for.
Luring pedophile trash to their doom.
With your help, child porn will be sent to the abyss!
[Go talk with Annemarie]
[Return back to Mauss]
For hot, little girls make you shriek.
'Cause pedo scum's what you were born to be.
You'd much rather fuck kids in your yard.
... yet all you see in a child is a whore.
And how many schoolgirls did that Werner groom?
Yet secretly, you long for a child to French kiss. \Achv: Rap Star\
[Once the word duel comes to an end talk to Mauss again]
... think up some way of dealing with the laptop.
... carry it around with me through the village, until I can think of something.
[Go to the town square and examine footprints in front of an advertising column]
[Go to the Oktoberfest office and get the keys]
[Examine the footprints in the square again]
Yes, my lady... \Achv: Poets and Boners\
[Return to your apartment]
[Go back outside and to the road to the convention center]
[Talk with Annemarie]
Uh... well, fair enough. \Achv: Loli Poetry Listener\
{Save 21}
Henrike:
[If you have picked the "Emma" magazine in the convention center go to Pedros Pizzeria (pick it up if you didn't)]
Talk to Henrike
As if! And if I had a go, it would be every second one!
Leader? Not even the German GILF-association wants you!
I bet all you really need is a good hard fucking!
Well come here, you cock-addicted hussy! \Achv: No, Daddy, no!\

At this point the game should automatically skip to next day (if not, visit all the available locations until the game takes over). You can save anywhere again now.
You have to get rid of the four guards in the convention center.

I'll kick Karl-Gustav into orbit!
... nonsense you've said before, in Kelkheim!
... reciting texts to strangers without indicating the original source.
... a blatant copy and paste of Minister Jung's words.
... your own, patronizing rambling, you bugbear.

It's Baroness Steffi's turn now!
... admire your radiant beauty, O Queen? [Press X]
... it easily surpasses the Versailles! Truly! [Press A]
... my shame in the face of your charitable nature. [Press Y]
... a sign that the German monarchy is about to return. [Press X]

Alice Weißer is as good as dead!

Til Geiger needs to be taught a lesson!
Well, it's all due to your education of her.
... your horrible ex-wife?
It's quite the opposite! Haha!
{Save 22}
You know I can't do this, little one. \Achv: The Horned One\ \Achv: Evidence Specialist\

{Save 23}
The Final Battle:
(This is a QTE based battle. After a successful answer you have to quickly hit Ursula in the face with your dick and then shoot a radiation emitter. The amount of questions depends on how much you prolong the battle. These are all the answers to the questions I was asked.)
Tongue-twisting alliterations.
Belanova (you need to delete "*typing*" first)
Four (the actual number might be between 3 and 5; it depends on the route you took)
The Hymn of Bavaria
Section for the Eradication of Child Sex-abuse
The path to the right
A green cucumber
Stern forefinger.
Pump Girlz.
Colleague Huber.

After the fight:
Film it! Record it for future generations! \Achv: Would You like a Rose?\
Sure, I'm not a coward any more.
It's okay. I'll be quick.
Point and click segment:
[Click on geeky villager]
[Click on baker Büttner]
[Click on Pedob Pedro]
[Click on Karl-Gustav]
[Click on the girls]
[Click on the DVD on the ground on the left]
[Click on the sign pointing to the stairs]
Yeah. I'll take my leave and go upstairs, to my office. (True End) \Achv: One-Hand Gamer\

\Achv: 99% Fail\ - this achievement is acquired after encountering 10 bad ends. Even encountering the same bad end multiple times counts toward the total.
\Achv: Getting Started\ - see 10 different opening quotes (start the game 10 or so times until you get the achievement)
\Achv: Connoisseur\ - gotten once you finish watching the credits after any ending that has them.

*DVD locations:
1. In the window of Pedros Pizzeria right after the broom flight.
2. Inside the Pizzeria at the bar.
3. Inside a potted plant near your house right after meeting Annemarie.
4. In the tree in the town square after the mob at your house disperses.
5. Near the light pole before talking with Maja.
6. On the stage inside the convention centre after the break.
7. Inside your own kitchen after Ursula's lecture.
8. On the wall of your house right after grabbing disc 7.
9. In the recycle bin by the Oktoberfest office.

CG and Achievement Collection:
Turn the "Abuse" option to "invisible", then load saves: 10, 13, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22.
Watch the appropriate sex scenes and instead of the H-CGs you will obtain CGs of newspaper clippings.

{Load Save 14}
Ah! Isn't there something hiding in the shadows next to me?!
Please take a look at this "candy doll."
Did you forget all about the conference, huh?
... some kind of phone.
It's mine. Everyone wants to talk to me!
... this naughty "Kindergarten Manager."
Yes, Columbo here. At your service.
I'll check it out right away.
Then I'll help you myself. But let's be quick.
I'll give you a "cream pie" you'll never forget!
[Follow the required steps to remove the demonic howling]
{Save 24}
[Oktoberfest office > Kitchen > Talk with the twins]
[Town square > Talk with Laura]
Indirectly support the Ukrainian mafia? Gladly.
Just let him watch then...
Your wish is my command.
[Use the broom from the menu on the top left] (Bad End: Prison) \Achv: Torn Inside\

{Load Save 24}
[Oktoberfest office > Kitchen > Talk with the twins]
[Town square > Talk with Laura]
Indirectly support the Ukrainian mafia? Gladly.
Just let him watch then...
Your wish is my command.
[Follow the required steps to complete Kim's subquest]
[Follow the required steps to complete Annemarie's subquest]
[Follow the required steps to complete Maja's subquest]
[Follow the required steps to complete Henrike's subquest]
[Follow the required steps to remove the four guards in the convention center]
[Win the Final Battle]
Film it! Record it for future generations!
Sure, I'm not a coward any more.
It's okay. I'll be quick.
[Click on geeky villager]
[Click on baker Büttner]
[Click on Pedob Pedro]
[Click on Karl-Gustav]
[Click on the girls]
[Click on the DVD on the ground on the left]
[Click on the sign pointing to the stairs]
Yeah. I'll take my leave and go upstairs, to my office. (1 New CG)

{Load Save 21}
[If you have picked the "Emma" magazine in the convention center go to Pedros Pizzeria (pick it up if you didn't)]
Talk to Henrike
You'd know that better than I would.
The world of women owes you their thanks... (1 New CG)

{Load Save 23}
Destroy 4 out of 5 points of Ursula's health and all of the radiation emitters, then waste your Loli Power and lose to Ursula. (Bad End: Ravished)

*Thanks Tyr for a tip about the last Achievement and anonymous commenters for one elusive Henrike CG*